Tuesday, September 14, 2010

My Goliath: Part 1, by Heidi Avery

I am not perfect. Far from it. My mistakes are many and most generally spring from a negative "feeling" that I blindly follow down a dark alley. Ever do that?

I recall a friend who hurt me. I collect her offenses over time, mulling them over and recounting them. I am a non-conflict kind of girl, but this friends repeated infractions have me provoked. Angered. Wronged. Injured to the point of feeling justified.

Warranted I sit at my computer and in seconds my fingers race effortlessly across the keys spelling out my list of transgressions against her. The words hinge themselves together perfect fit after perfect fit. A letter is produced; it is raw, truthful and laced with bits of harshness. In a moment of false empowerment I highlight my letter, right click, copy, paste into an email addressed to my friend and send.

Almost instantly the anger and justification that allowed me to write the letter vanishes washed away down a wide fast moving stream of aching regret. Guilt and worry envelope me and I sink under the rushing waters. My blood accelerates at record speed through my body, instinctively pooling into my chest and ears leaving them hot and crimson red.

My mind spins. I am dizzied at my thoughts. I did not pray. I did not seek godly council. I did not think. I wrote and I sent. Like a trapped and wounded animal I sit racked with fear.

I obsess. I lose sleep. What does she think of me? I panic at the thought of her sharing my letter with others and when I hear that she does I drop into the miry pit. I deserve to be there. Satan is there, he jabs at me with this burning knife, singeing the worn flesh of my heart over and over. I question my place in the Kingdom.

I cry out, asking God to forgive me. He shows me the obvious, my lack of grace, mercy and kindness. I know I am wrong. I seek her forgiveness and she eventually forgives, but things are never the same.

Months pass. I can’t seem to evade it; I am deeply wounded now by my own careless actions. I continue to ask God… “What? What is it that I am to learn here?” I take an introspective look back and find God in His great loving kindness sweetly revealing His purpose in this trial for me. Beneath the veil lies my giant.

Stop by tomorrow to read My Goliath: Part 2 to get a glimpse of my giant and how God helps me overcome...


  1. Awesome description of the body's response to those "oops, did I do that?" moments. I cringe over those moments but love the end result. God allows us to experience those lowly times where we have no where to look but to Him. He humbles us by waving those little reminders in front of our faces of exactly who He is and whose we are. I love that no matter what we do, Jesus always sees the good in us...He's always glorified!

  2. Oh boy, we lived the same day :) LOL! Now i have to find part 2.